me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
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If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.