Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
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3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.