Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
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I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
oh shit
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Can Happiness buy money?
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”