ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
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Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
tell em, edith-anne
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?