me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
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*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions