Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
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[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!