@StinkyGr33n

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

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@bgdadyspnkbtm

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

@garrydavenport

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.

@petemandik

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

@causticbob

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.

@jonnysun

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

@balloonsmatt

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

@TheSharona06

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

@copymama

I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.