Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

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No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.


Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.


My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.


Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.


If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?


*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*


[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No


Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”