@StinkyGr33n

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

You Might Also Like

@Adyaces

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

@jackiembouvier

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

@beefman138

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

@TheOnion

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

@TheIronSherk

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

@FunnyBison

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*

@mumbletoes

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

@AlexvanBeek

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”