Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
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ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney