me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
You Might Also Like
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.