@Spaced_Cowboy00 A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
@dafloydsta ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
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@Spaced_Cowboy00 
@ddsmidt A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
@fro_vo “Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
@isabelzawtun *a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
@Eatingmeals The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
@ashmensch *entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
@a_simpl_man A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
@AmishPornStar1 “I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
@leechee420 How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
@KevinBuffalo I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.