ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
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Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]