ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

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A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.


A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.


“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”


*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*


The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.


*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?


A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.


“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”


How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?


I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.