Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
You Might Also Like
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls