me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
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When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
my first day as a raccoon
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Meow
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*