me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
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I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”