ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
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A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Don’t touch that.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter