me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
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Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?