Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

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I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.


Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?


Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?


Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes


*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.


Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!


If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.


If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.


When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.


“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.