I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
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Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.