ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?