me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
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ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.