Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
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If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
mariah carrie
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
lost dog
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.