Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
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A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Employees must applaud the planets.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*