Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
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Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.