me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
You Might Also Like
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.