@UnFitz

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

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@minkpinkustink

I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics

@ThatMummyLife

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

@raydevito

Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical

@GonzoVice

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

@BriarSlyMalice

HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.

@FacepalmCircus

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

@GingerHotDish

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

@Playing4Second

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

@ristolable

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

@ThinkingSavage

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.