Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

You Might Also Like


I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics


My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.


Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical


There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.


HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.


Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”


Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.


I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty


For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me


All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.