me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

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COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average


.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.


Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog


Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…

(whispers) boop your nose?


Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone


WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old


Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on


Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.