COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
You Might Also Like
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”
Me: *dies alone
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.