Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
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Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him