Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

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Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out


I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”


Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”


The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.


Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week


When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.


If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.


It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies