Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
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The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket