Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
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Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil