Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
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Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Aight bet
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]