@murrman5

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

You Might Also Like

@jonnysun

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

@RobDenBleyker

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

@GuyThe_Guy

Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?

*shoots kneecap*

How bout now?

@scot7a

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.

@RuthWareWriter

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

@bluebonetbabies

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.