me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
You Might Also Like
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see