@murrman5
@jonnysun its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
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@jonnysun 
@Bill_Nye_Tho SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
@Browtweaten I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
@stanleybehrman Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
@RobDenBleyker Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
@GuyThe_Guy Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
@scot7a SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
@CrapLocalNews Breaking news:
@RuthWareWriter I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
@bluebonetbabies My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.