me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
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So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Social Media and Real life
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part