Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
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Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.