Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
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My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?