ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
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The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable