me hitting on a model
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I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
This is my brand.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller