Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
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You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
That’s classic.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
My dog ate my work from home.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.