Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
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I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president