Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
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Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
*holds seashell to ear*
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*throws shell into the sea*