@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

You Might Also Like

@ShesARealGenius

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

@DawnLovesZombie

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

@kelkulus

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

@TheToddWilliams

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

@BuckyIsotope

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

@HanaMichels

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

@smithsara79

Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me

@NeinQuarterly

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

@Rlpihl

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

@Jimpetuous

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*