@ShesARealGenius Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
@XplodingUnicorn Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
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@ShesARealGenius 
@DawnLovesZombie Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
@kelkulus Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
@TheToddWilliams An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
@BuckyIsotope CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
@HanaMichels I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
@smithsara79 Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
@NeinQuarterly New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
@Rlpihl I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
@Jimpetuous *holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*