Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

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How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.


A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages


Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Me: Miller Light


Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.


Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.


Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?


she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza


“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”


“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong