Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
You Might Also Like
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Cat is stressing him out.
Ron is short for Aaronald
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
It’s an epidemic…
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.