Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
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If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁