[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
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Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
It was worth a shot 😂
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry