Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
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“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?