ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
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this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.