ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
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Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Something Saturday.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle