ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
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Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.