Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
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Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
My Sentiments Exactly
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”