me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
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Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
🛁
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok