ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
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Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.