ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
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Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Oh yeh? Explain this then
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?