On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
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“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.