ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

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On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.


“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.


If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.


Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.


A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?



ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*


If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.


At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.


Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.


No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.