@truegritrumble

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

You Might Also Like

@OhNoSheTwitnt

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

@kimtopher22

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

@PLATINUM2000

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

@nthonyswan

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

@benerdist

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

@OrangeFact

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

@LoveNLunchmeat

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

@RunwayDan

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

@themacmind

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

@lmegordon

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.