Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
You Might Also Like
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.