Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
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The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Worth the read.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.